Automated Humor Harvest

Enjoy some of the random results of my automated humor project.1 -
Good evening folks! I tell ya, this past year in lockdown has been rough. I think I held full conversations with my furniture just to feel some kind of human connection. The other day I caught myself pouring my heart out to the refrigerator like it was a close confidant. I was saying "Oh fridge, you really understand me. You keep things so cool."2 -
I was really excited for my blind date. I had heard so many great things about this guy - he was charming, successful, and down to earth. When I arrived at the restaurant, I looked around but didn't see him. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and saw a man smiling and waving at me. But something was off...he had no arms or legs. He introduced himself as my date. I tried to keep an open mind, but things only got more awkward from there. When the waiter came over, my date asked for a bowl of soup. I watched in horror as he slurped the soup directly from the bowl on the table. That was the last straw.3 -
I love how fast food restaurants put calories on their menus, as if I'm in the drive-thru contemplating a salad. Yeah, sure, I'll take a kale Caesar salad with a side of deep-fried regret and a diet soda because, you know, balance.4 -
I love how people say, "Don't worry, be happy." Like, thanks, I'll just turn off my anxiety switch and flip on the joy button. If only life came with a remote control, and we could fast-forward through Mondays and mute our in-laws.5 -
Can we talk about coffee shop sizes for a moment? I walked into a coffee shop the other day, and the barista asked, "Do you want a small, medium, large, or venti?" Vent-what now? Is this a coffee or a fancy car? "I'll take a small, please. No need to upgrade my caffeine to a midsize sedan, thanks."6 -
I signed up for a gym membership recently because I heard it's a great way to meet new people. But apparently, all the new people are hiding in the bathroom stalls, because that's the only place I see anyone. I'm starting to think they should rename it the "Restroom and occasional workout facility."7 -
The company's cafeteria started offering free snacks to boost morale.
It was so successful that we've now rebranded as a Snackables corporation.
Our mission statement? "Taking crunch time to a whole new level."8 -
Why do drive-thru ATMs have braille on the keys? Are blind people just cruising around in their cars, hoping to randomly stumble upon the magic money machine? "Ah, here it is, I knew I'd find it eventually."

One Liners

I named my dog 5 Miles so I can tell people I walk 5 Miles every day.I told my suitcases there's no vacation this year...now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.My wife said I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.I went to buy camouflage pants yesterday, but I couldn't find any.I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.I couldn't figure out why my seat belt wouldn't work, then it clicked.I spilled coffee on my computer this morning...it now has more buzz than my social life.I was going to come up with a joke about procrastination, but I'll do it tomorrow.I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes in the kitchen. She gave me a hug.I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.Life is a series of unanswered questions, like why is it called a "building" when it's already built? And why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?I hit a pothole the other day that was so deep, I'm sure I saw a family of gophers setting up a vacation home.I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.I asked my refrigerator if it feels cold inside. It said, 'I'm having an existential crisis.'I tried to write a love letter, but it turned into a shopping list. Apparently, my heart longs for groceries.I ran for office on a platform of nap time for all. Surprisingly, my candidacy gained traction among exhausted voters.I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.Have you ever noticed that relationships are a lot like algebra? You look at your X and wonder Y.Two atoms bumped into each other. One said, "I lost an electron!" The other asked, "Are you positive?"

Videos

Stephen Covey - Be Proactive

A must watch video if you feel powerless, if you're at the bottom of the totem pole, or feel like a victim in any way.

Andy Andrews - The Seven Decisions

A must watch video for pretty much everyone.

This Video Will Make You Angry

Video Source